


Free Full Coverage Health Insurance

by flavovitta



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: An Open Discussion On What Is Sexy, Boys' Night, Crack Treated Seriously, Late Night Conversations, Year 2, mentions of hypothetical sex, the woes of being a worthless cog in the machine of capitalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25373074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flavovitta/pseuds/flavovitta
Summary: Kazunari organizes a Boys' Night and immediately asks everybody what they find sexy. Tsuzuru has an odd answer.
Comments: 36
Kudos: 273





	1. Chapter 1

Banri glanced up from his phone. “Sakuya’s not coming. He said he has to help out with another troupe overnight.” 

“Whaaaaat?” Kazunari whined as he plopped down to the ground in his oversized pajamas. “But I brought snacks specifically for him! Boys’ Night isn’t Boys’ Night with Saku!” 

Juza instantly started going through Kazunari’s backpack. “…Where are the snacks.” 

“Front pocket, big guy!" 

The five boys all sat on their respective futons on the stage. Eighteen to twenty only, Kazunari had made very clear as he banned Omi from the event. (With a text that had read: _It's your fault for turning old and leaving us all behind, Omi! I sure hope you enjoy being twenty-one because now you can't have Boys' Night anymore! >:'(_ )

Kazunari clapped his hands. “Okay, how about this for the first gossip sesh? Let’s all go around in a circle and share what we think is the sexiest thing in the world. Sumi, why don’t you start us off?" 

“Triangles,” Misumi said immediately. 

No one said a word. 

Tsuzuru hesitated before clearing his throat. A part of him was begging not to dig deeper into the fascinating labyrinth that was Misumi Ikaruga’s mind, but a bigger part of him felt as though he was obligated to. 

“Triangles? Seriously?” he asked. 

“Yep! Uh huh!” 

“You…” Tsuzuru gestured vaguely. “Get off to them or something?” 

Misumi’s jaw dropped. “Whaaaat? No! I just think triangles _can_ be sexy." 

“Oh! Like if there was someone super cute wearing only triangles, yeah?” Kazunari said. 

Misumi grinned as brightly as the sun. “That’s hot! I like that lots!” 

Tsuzuru shook his head. “I don’t get you at all.” 

“Banbans! Your turn.” 

Banri clicked his tongue, annoyed. “Fuckin’ whatever, I don’t give a shit. Like, I guess the color red?” 

“And your confusing tendency towards desiring the average strikes once again,” Tsuzuru muttered.

"Juuuuuza?'

Juza made a face as he nibbled on an Oreo. He jerked his chin for them to skip him.

“Well, what about you, Tsuzuroon?” Kazunari cooed as he leaned forward on his elbows. “What do you think is the sexiest thing in the world?” 

Tsuzuru didn’t think about it for even a moment. “Free full coverage health insurance.” 

Every boy at the slumber party stared at him. 

Banri said under his breath, “Jesus fucking Christ, man, I know you’re on the boring side but this is just sad." 

“Tsuzuroon, don’t you want something, uh, more—like, you know.” Kazunari floundered for the right words. He gestured to his chest. “Like boobs? I feel like boobs are the answer most people would give.” 

Tsuzuru’s scowl grew more pronounced. “Are you _kidding_ me? What in the world can breasts offer me in the state our economy is in right now? I’d give up boobs if it meant my family wouldn’t spiral into debt every time one of us sneezed.” 

Banri rubbed his forehead. “Dude, chill out. I get that. But we meant like… _sexy_. Maybe BDSM or something? Or like role-play. Fuck it, I don’t know, just not _health insurance_." 

“You don’t understand,” Tsuzuru snapped. “If someone came up to me and said ‘I will give you free full coverage health insurance for the rest of your life,’ I would automatically have sex with them. No questions asked. If they offered me healthcare and they wanted to fuck, I’d agree.” 

“You sound like a whore right now,” Banri said very simply. “You’d sell out for a fucking free trip to the doctor’s?” 

“I’d honestly sell out for less, Banri!” Tsuzuru yelled with a tone that bordered angry.

Kazunari coughed into his fist to mask a laugh. “Wait, wait, now I’m like super curious. What’s your, like, ULTIMATE sex fantasy then?” 

Tsuzuru immediately went red. 

“Oooooh, he looks like a tomato! It must be serious,” Misumi gasped. 

“I want…” Tsuzuru took in a deep breath as though he was steeling his nerves. “I want to be a homeowner. Without mortgage. And… in my fantasy, I’m already in early retirement. And I guess I would have sex with my spouse knowing that I have a college tuition for all of my kids safe in a bank. And then afterwards, I go to sleep with the comfort of knowing that I have no more college loans. Also, all of my bills are paid." 

He hid his face in his hands like he couldn’t bear to see the looks on their faces. 

“Wow, you’re just a fucking slut then, aren’t you,” Banri said in complete monotone. “Dude, you’re nineteen. Do you have dick dysfunction _already?_ That can't normal.” 

“Banri, I had to get two part time jobs when I was fourteen so I could afford my school uniform, these are normal fantasies for someone my age from the lower working class,” Tsuzuru said with an air of finality. 

Misumi pouted and leaned back on Kazunari’s shoulder. “And you made fun of me for saying triangles.” 

“I want to explore this,” Kazunari announced. “Tsuzuroon, I want you to close your eyes.” 

“I’m not—“ 

“Close your eyes!” 

Tsuzuru sighed and closed his eyes. 

“Okay, so imagine, like… your future spouse. And then imagine the sexiest outfit they could ever wear. Like, so sexy your socks are gonna get blown off! What are they wearing?” 

Tsuzuru swallowed dryly and fanned himself. 

“This feels so wrong,” he groaned. 

“Just tell us!” Misumi urged. 

“…A sweater.” 

Juza raised an eyebrow at this, finally piping up. “A sweater?” 

Tsuzuru fell over onto his futon and sighed. “A sweater we bought at _full price_.” 

The entire room exploded with shouts. 


	2. Do Not Tip 10%

“What’s your biggest turn-off of all time,” Kazunari demanded as he kicked open Tsuzuru’s door. 

Tsuzuru looked up at him. “Why do you not knock? I’ve been wanting to ask you this for a while. I could have been jerking off, you know, or writing in my diary, it’s so rude to just barge in.” 

“I need to know what someone could do that makes you just instantly hate them,” Kazunari said, sitting cross-legged on the floor and taking out a small notepad. “I’m compiling a list of all the things people hate about others so I can avoid doing them.” 

Tsuzuru let out a dreary sigh. “Do I even want to know why?” 

“Because I have a compulsive, driving need inside of me to have everyone love me as much as possible that stems from crippling insecurities I neither have time or money to address right now.” Kazunari tapped the end of his pen on the paper. “I don’t have all day, Tsuzuroon, let me hear it.” 

Tsuzuru kissed his teeth and pondered on it for a moment. Something someone could do that makes him _hate_ them? 

“What did other people say? I can’t be the first person you asked, right?” 

Kazunari began flipping through his notes. 

“Banban said purple hair.” 

“Ah. Wonder what that could possibly be about.” 

“Juza said he hates whoever thought sugar-free was a good-enough concept to make popular. Also, said he hates anybody pretentious enough on Facebook to claim dark chocolate is better than milk chocolate.” 

Tsuzuru frowned. “Juza uses Facebook? Facebook is still a thing for Gen Z?” 

“He says Twitter scares him. Apparently people were making fun of him for liking and re-tweeting minion memes unironically.” 

“Makes sense, continue.” 

“Ummm…” Kazunari tore out a little taped pamphlet and opened it. “Sakusaku said that hate is a really strong word and he’d never be so bold as to hate someone right off the bat just because of one of his pet peeves. Then he handed me this pamphlet on self-discovery and meditation and letting go of negative feelings, which is actually really interesting.” 

Tsuzuru wondered if one day, Sakuya would just explode from being so kind. If the kid was just genuinely that nice of a person, or if maybe he was just holding in all of his aggressions to unleash upon the world in the future. 

“Those three I asked first,” Kazunari said, flipped back to Tsuzuru’s already labeled page. “Now it’s your turn.” 

“Can’t think of anything.” 

He huffed. “Oh, come _on_. You must have gone on a date at one point or another that totes rubbed you the wrong way! It’s the _vibes_ , Tsuruoon, the _vibes_ are off and totally not passing the vibe check.” 

“Good Lord, stop using words I don’t understand, what the hell is a vibe check?” 

Kazunari looked around. “Do you have a bat I can use as an example? Or, like, a metal pipe?” 

“No.” 

“Ahhhhh, that’s a shame.” Kazunari winked and held up a little peace sign. “Forget about it for now! I’ll do a vibe check on you later.” 

Tsuzuru shuddered. That wink was never a good sign. He’d go to sleep with the doors locked tonight. 

A date? It’d been a while since he’d gone on a date, much less a date where someone had done something to piss him off. Wait, there’d been that one girl. The one his mother had introduced him to, the one who always made bean dip for church pot lucks. 

Tsuzuru clicked his tongue. “Tipping ten percent.” 

“…Huh?” 

“Tipping ten percent. And being rude to people who work in the service industry. That makes me _so mad_ I don’t even know where to begin.” 

Kazunari frowned and jotted it down. He stared at the little bullet points, _tipping 10%_ and _being mean to the service industry_. “I don’t… I don’t think this is really what I was looking for. It’s not that bad, is it?” 

Tsuzuru looked like he was inches away from throwing over the desk he was working on. “Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much shit the service industry has to go through to make wages? A lot of their income is wholly reliant on how much tipping they get, if people are so snobby as to deprive their _waiter_ of money just because they feel SO high and mighty, they can choke. Out of my life for good, thank you very much.” 

Kazunari sighed. “Tsuzuru… Right. You are really something else.” 

“Being born into a capitalistic society was a punishment for something I did in my past life, I just know it." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this wasn't supposed to get a chapter 2 but i was just feeling it

**Author's Note:**

> Tsuzuru is just ridiculously funny to me and I think he represents a lot


End file.
